It is Four o’clock in the morning, Anna.
This may be from blood loss or sleep deprivation, but I believe I owe you an apology, which will seem like a bit of a paradox due to my chosen name here.
Erik.
Ah spent an awfully long time trying to decide how to answer this, or even if Ah should answer it at all. And frankly you owe Ororo a big thank you that you’re getting any sort of answer, and certainly one that doesn’t start out with a long line of expletives.
But the truth is, Ah don’t want to swear at you, Ah want to swear at mahself. Ah did promise you only one night, and there was no reason why you should have kept on waiting for me.
Except you always did, and a part of me thought you always would. It was a childish, immature way to believe and it certainly wasn’t fair to you.
Yes, mah pride is hurt. That’s my fault.
Mah heart? It’s been so long since mah heart was whole that Ah don’t even know what that feels like. But Ah will tell you, Ah didn’t know for sure that you had claimed a piece of it until Ah knew that you’d given your affections to another.
Sometimes Ah really hate time and change.
Remember when Ah said Ah didn’t want to swear at you? That was only half true. Ah don’t want to swear at you for the things that Ah have at least equal responsibility for.
Ah do want to swear at you for being dense, cold, and oblivious. For saying you’re sorry that you hurt me, but that you wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. How can you be sorry that you hurt me if you wouldn’t change that which caused me hurt? That’s hypocrisy, Erik. That isn’t true caring or affection.
And Ah can’t wrap mah mind around you loving mah Mama. Ah don’t even want to picture you being with her. It hurts, and it bothers me more than it would if you were with anyone else. Because it’s her, the woman who hurt me more than anyone else, and because it’s her, the woman who Ah consider mah mother despite how much she hurt me.
Ah know you don’t have the same understanding of human emotion that Ah do. You’ve gone through far too much for that to be expected. That’s why Ah held you at a distance for so long. Ah knew you were dangerous, and that Ah was only asking for trouble. But against mah better judgement, Ah let too much of mah heart care for you. And Ah was hurt.
What am Ah trying to say here? Ah’m angry with you, Erik. But Ah know it was at least equally mah fault.
And Ah know that Ah can’t expect you to write a normal apology. A part of me is even flattered that you tried to write one to me, because it shows Ah do still have a place of respect in your unfathomable mind.
Can Ah forgive you? Ah don’t know. Ah just don’t know. Ah think Ah need to learn how to forgive mahself first.
It is wrong of me to have hoped that you wouldn’t answer this?
How can you be sorry that you hurt me if you wouldn’t change that which caused me hurt?
When I said I didn’t want it any other way, I meant that I did not regret that night. The resulting pain it brought you, yes, of course I didn’t want that. But I do not regret spending that night with you because it was a night with you. No holds barred. At the time it was like striking gold. And I don’t mean that as a passing fancy, it was not a bragging right, it was not a trophy. I had a true passion for you, Rogue. So much of one that I was willing to give up my relentless attempts because I thought you would be happier with another man. That probably does not mean much to you, as you seem to think I simply wrote you off because you were not here.
I can tell you right now, that is not the way my mind works. Trust me on that, at least. I am a stubborn man, you may have noticed. I don’t like giving up on anything, much less matters of the heart. Resigning from that particular competition, if you will, took a considerable bite out of my pride. But then, I suppose I was overdue for coming down a peg or so.
Ah do want to swear at you for being dense, cold, and oblivious.
Cold, yes. But are you really upset with me for not picking up signs that you weren’t showing me? Every answer I’d gotten from you was a denial, even when I suggested we had anything in common. Again, I thought you only wanted the one night. We were on constant missions after that and then you were gone. What was I supposed to think? That you had a secret longing for me hidden in between your professional/casual demeanor? I am not a teenager, Rogue, I try not to delude myself when I don’t need to.
But Ah will tell you, Ah didn’t know for sure that you had claimed a piece of it until Ah knew that you’d given your affections to another.
That would explain our current dilemma, my dear. Up until now, I had no idea I was so much to you. I was under the impression that if Gambit were still with you, this would not be such a difficult thing to deal with. For either of us, really. But I understand that coming home to find both of the men who all but fought for your devotion on a completely different path must have been rather overwhelming. That is one of the reasons I apologized earlier. I didn’t mean to treat that with such disregard. I am sorry.
That’s why Ah held you at a distance for so long. Ah knew you were dangerous, and that Ah was only asking for trouble. But against mah better judgement, Ah let too much of mah heart care for you. And Ah was hurt.
Another thing I found curious. You seemed to be drawn to me because I was a bit of a darker mystery for you. I was dangerous, untrusted, and I made it very clear that I was interested in you. Was it not the exact same qualities you found so rousing in LeBeau when you two met? I thought perhaps I was a different version of the same man to you. Though, again, that is most certainly not the case. I think even Gambit would have to agree with me on that.
Though, true, I am a merciless flirt. I know that. When I set my sights on something, or someone in this case, I have a bad habit of going after it. And at first, it was simple attraction. You were a strong, capable, beautiful woman and yes, I wanted you. But as I got to know you beyond your capabilities, I realized I actually cared about the person you were. I realized the torment I must have been putting you through, and I decided it was best to leave you to find your happiness with a man who could love you unequivocally. It is something you need, Rogue, and it is something I could not offer you. It would not have been fair to you to promise some long-strung romance when I know that I cannot give you my full and uncompromising affections. I still worry if it’s fair to Raven, but she takes it in stride, she was well aware of my demons before anything ever happened between us.
And Ah can’t wrap mah mind around you loving mah Mama. Ah don’t even want to picture you being with her. It hurts, and it bothers me more than it would if you were with anyone else. Because it’s her, the woman who hurt me more than anyone else, and because it’s her, the woman who Ah consider mah mother despite how much she hurt me.
Yes, as I said earlier I admit that I never considered the relationship between the two of you. And again, I never expected things to happen this way. But she does love you, Rogue. She didn’t seek me out to hurt you. I can’t regret loving her any more than you can regret loving Gambit, and even if I could, I wouldn’t. She literally changed my life overnight, and has helped me begin to heal old wounds I thought could never close. I know that it hurts you, I can’t stand here and tell you it’s alright, or that you should be happy for me. It’s painful. I understand that. I won’t parade my relationship like a show horse, it isn’t does suit my behavioral habits. But as Ororo said, I am very much hoping that you can come to accept it in time, as I do not think it will be changing.
Can Ah forgive you? Ah don’t know. Ah just don’t know. Ah think Ah need to learn how to forgive mahself first.
I’m honestly not asking you to forgive me, Rogue, because I don’t think you should have to. Not for what happened that night. If you regret the choices we made, so be it, but I refuse to throw it aside as if it were a drunken mistake. I have too many regrets in my life as it is. Adding an astounding evening with you to the list is insulting to both of us.
It happened, Rogue, and I’m running out of room for ghosts.
Ah know that Ah can’t expect you to write a normal apology. A part of me is even flattered that you tried to write one to me, because it shows Ah do still have a place of respect in your unfathomable mind.
As far as my initial message, you’re right, it wasn’t exactly an apology. It was more of an explanation with apologetic overtones, I admit…but it is truth none the less.
I would rather not lose you, if I am to be honest. You still mean a great deal to me, even if it is in a different manner than it was before.
So…
I’m sorry, Anna.
Source: givenoapology
